Polaroid Prayer

It was Uncanny.

She couldn’t believe it when she picked up the polaroid. Eyes green, vivid even through generations of sepia tone. Hair blonde and curly, hugging his ears and forehead. Hands fat, crinkled around a toy and rolling with that soft baby skin. She looked again into the eyes, scanning them for differences. Instead she found a blurry comfort, a soothing in the lack of focus. It murmured kindly to her, “you’ve been here before. How ever many times you may leave and return, this is a home.”

Trying to shake the overwhelm which had just flooded her, she brought the shaking hand holding the picture down and her gaze up to the room surrounding. Hoping for distractions, she found only reassurance. The couch looked oddly familiar. The wallpaper echoed a different time. Not identical, of course, just eerily alike. Sunlight poured through in a wrought-iron familiarity. She had seen this scene. This room had regarded many sunrises and sunsets, most witnessed by faces like the one she held trembling in her grasp, like the one she had created, just like all those surrounding her now. It was a grandiose curiosity, the expression her son was giving her. He looked confused but content, taking it all in, a seemingly new environment which to them felt suspiciously like wearing an old coat.

Her father’s expression mirroring her alarm; 50 years prior when he had been photographed, a fleeting moment captured in time now resting in her palm. She laughed to herself, a mother, a daughter, a witness to the infinite. All in a brief moment, she passed the reflection on to the next observer, who also laughed at the similarity, and whispered to herself and her creator,

“As above, so below. As within, so without. Everything and everyone, altogether, all at once.”

What to do when you feel like shit and don’t want to do anything

Nothing. That’s it. Don’t do anything if you don’t want to. Your mind and body are telling you something, and it’s okay to listen to them. However, there is a great likelihood that you will feel shitty for doing nothing. Doing nothing may not challenge you, but neither will it uplift you. So if you must do something, half-heartedly, lethargically, just so you can say that you did something, anything to alleviate your guilt of laziness, here are some suggestions.

  1. Shower.  I know it sucks, right? Showering sounds like absolute hell sometimes. But remember when it didn’t? Remember how it felt that one time you were in that hotel with the really nice shower? Remember feeling refreshed after a long hot day in the sun, after taking a dip in some fresh chlorine, or the first shower after a festival? Try to focus on those positive shower memories while you shiver through the worst water pressure experience of your life in a dirty plastic tub with shampoo you hate but you’re too cheap to replace, surrounded by that ugly poster-board imitation marble. Then dry yourself off with a bacteria-ridden towel that you’re not sure has been properly cleaned since you last used a less-than 30 year old washer and dryer. Put on fresh, clean clothes and wash your face and you will feel, at the very least, relieved that your hair is less greasy than it was. Then you can get back to the important things, like pondering how so many women preach that they only wash their hair once a week. Like, huh?
  2. Do yoga.  Just kidding. Yoga sucks sometimes. Like when your wrists start to hurt after a minute of downward dog and then you feel like a failure because it’s only downward dog, this is the beginner shit, how on earth do you expect to learn to invert and become an Instagram goddess if you spend this whole hour and a half trembling in your side plank, trying not to fart, and wondering if anyone in class would notice if you wiped your nose on your yoga pants? So don’t go to yoga, but maybe stay home and practice yoga on your own, in your living room, with the curtains drawn, and some calm, peaceful music playing in the background or maybe the next episode of the Handmaid’s Tale if it’s out yet. Just stretch your muscles and don’t hold positions for longer than you want to, and try to focus on your breathing but don’t just yawn every time you inhale. It might take some work, and it might not be fun, but your body will be grateful you didn’t develop bedsores on your ass from sitting on the couch for another hour. Trust me.
  3. Clean the shit out of something.  My Grandma once told me a funny story. One day her and Grandpa had a big fight (they would later divorce but remain friends) and then he had friends over. He and his buddies drank, bullshitted, and were more or less driving her crazy. But my Grandmother is a very poised and proper woman. She is always cool calm and collected, and wouldn’t dare have blown up at my Grandfather in front of company. Or just have walked the fuck out, which is what I think I would’ve done. No, she had a much better outlet for pent-up frustration. She got on her hands and knees and scrubbed the kitchen floor. She said she was in the kitchen until well past midnight, her back aching and her fingers pruny, washing and waxing the tile until it looked brand spanking new. I certainly didn’t inherit her ladylike etiquette or tidiness, but I hope on some level that I can channel my frustration into productivity. No need to be a housewife all the time, of course, but when you’re down on yourself and your situation and don’t have the energy to do that one big thing (or 7) that you’ve been avoiding, get your hands dirty and crawl around on the kitchen floor and scrub the fuck out of something that may or may not need thorough cleaning. Or maybe just organize the spice cupboard, or disinfect the toilet bowl, or rotate your mattress and box spring because you probably should.
  4. Go outside. Even if it’s raining. Especially if it’s raining. Even if it’s cold as tits outside and the sky is hailing down murder ice balls at you and it’s dark and the wind chill is anything but chill. Even if the air outside reportedly carries toxic levels of arsenic and cadmium and you’re not sure if breathing it is even a good idea at this point. Just put shoes on (or don’t, I don’t care) and take five steps outside of your front door and stand underneath the open sky. Close your eyes and take eight deep breaths, and walk around the block or walk up to the nearest tree and touch it with your bare hands. Just, get outside, even if the outside is shitty right now. Even just for a minute. Let your eyes adjust to the natural light, take in what’s around you, including the noisy cars and busses and the bar across the street that keeps blaring E-40. If these five fucking steps feel like too fucking much for you, that’s okay. Instead you can open a window and bring the fresh air into your anxiety cave and see if that does anything for your stagnant energy.
  5. Listen to music. Any music. Listen to that weird shit on youtube that you end up at after diving too deep into suggested videos. Sure you’ll find some hidden gems but you’ll probably end up mildly confused at some point when you’re too far along the ride to abandon ship. What’s trending in Turkey right now? What comes up when I type the names of random cities I’ve never been to and can’t be quite sure I know how to spell correctly? What is the name of that ancient Sumerian harp? The lyre? What about the origins of the organ? Listen to “world” music from other parts of the world. Or listen to your trusted favorites, the ones you know you should be sick of but you’re not just yet. Listen to whatever the fuck you want, because it’s just you and no one’s going to judge you, and if you’re listening to something that you like but you’re afraid to admit it because you think people will judge you, resist the urge to judge yourself. Listen to something that gets you self-reflective or something that gets you dancing, or something that makes you laugh. Or listen to something that does nothing for you, which is okay because you don’t need to feel any certain way about any certain thing. Ever. Okay?


Well, there you have it! 5 things to do when you’d rather not do anything! I hope it cures your depression and if not, well fuck maybe go see a professional instead of read this sarcastic shit list. Or don’t, because that sounds like an awfully big endeavor compared to continued self sabotage, am I right?

Love, Francesca

Please Stop Saying You Choose To Be Happy


Please stop saying you choose to be Happy


As if happiness has been lurking behind door number 3 the entire time we’ve spent oscillating between distress and complacency.

As if external people, events, conversations, sounds, smells, and dandelions do not have the power to affect us. As if only WE have the power to affect us.

As if the rainbow does anything to keep us dry.

As if that same rainbow is not replete with hues of blue.

As if our shortcomings are always the result of our own lack of effort, surely never persuaded by statistical disadvantages, hearty competition, or even another’s negligence.

As if happiness itself is the key to happiness. As if content, comfort, chaos, and creation play no part in bliss.

As if genuine Happiness could ever be so easy.

Song(s) of the Day(s)

It’s really neither here nor there… it’s everywhere.

I’ve been collecting a song of the day everyday for the past few months. I love it. It keeps me engaged, constantly seeking new (or old) music, and also helps me stay organized. Perhaps my favorite thing about the collection right now is the variety in it. It would truly make a terrible playlist. Well, I don’t really think so. I think every song is damn near perfect and I love how quickly I can jump from folkgrass to trip hop. But what my Song of the Day calendar is greatly lacking in currently is fluidity. But that’s fine with me. And I don’t have any plans to change my patterns, either. It’s a random scramble of artists I admire, who will probably never play the same event. What a shame.

That being said, here are some of my favorites since the tradition started on July 17th, 2015. Just a select few that have stuck with me or that I think exemplify the range of my tastes, moods, and experiences the past few months. Enjoy, or don’t. I don’t really care either way 🙂